Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
