there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
