Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
