I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
