I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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