I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
