I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
