New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
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