So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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