hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i need an iv and a liver transplant
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag