Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
