woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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