Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
