I cannot find my penis.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
