Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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