barbara walters just said penis...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
