dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
