My sheets look like a crime scene.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
