you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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