i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
