Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
