At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
