A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
