You're my little dorito
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize