he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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