I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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