just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
