ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
