hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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