I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
