So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
