Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
