In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize