I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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