ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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