party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
