Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
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i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
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I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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