i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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