The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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