I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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