she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
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