You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
