Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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