Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
