I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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