Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
