me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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