Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
