She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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