I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
