On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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