She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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