dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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